Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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