Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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