I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
