dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
home. puking in laundry basket.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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