You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
