dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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