Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
