I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
