hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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