Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize