i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
