My Higher Power is John Stamos
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
