There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
