You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
