420 ftw
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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