the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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