I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
