I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
