She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
