Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Randomize
