I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
