her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
