You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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