are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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