If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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