When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
