I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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