Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So much rum. So many feels.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
