its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
