I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
