i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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