I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
