even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
