Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
