I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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