why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
