So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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