Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
