I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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