i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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