That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
