Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
