we have pet lesbian snakes
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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