Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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