having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
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The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
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I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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