no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
