i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
