I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
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It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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