That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
