One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
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Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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