You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
