New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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