Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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