Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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