dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
