Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
